Freeze This Moment a Little Bit Longer

I got to spend the day with my son, Adam, today.  It was just the two of us.  Once upon a time there was a little boy who chattered constantly to me.  He smiled at all of my jokes.  He didn't care where we went as long as we were together.  I was his world.  

I have always had a pretty good grasp on the reality that my purpose as a mom is to prepare him to stand on his own.  That mandate starts at conception.  We feed and nurture and lead and teach and discipline with the goal of seeing them stand tall on their own and thrive.

He is eleven now, going on twenty-seven it sometimes seems.  The separating is beginning in earnest.  I am not his whole world.  I am still his mommy.  He still hugs and kisses me in front of his friends.  I have made him promise he always will.  We'll see.

I see the Holy Spirit at work in and through him.  It takes my breath away.  I bought him mens sized sneakers the other day and it emptied my wallet.  What a season of transition for both of us.  I am not sure it is bearable.

Lord, hold on to him when he breaks free from my grip.

"Time Stand Still" 

(Rush) 

I turn my back to the wind
To catch my breath
Before I start off again.
Driven on without a moment to spend
To pass an evening with a drink and a friend

I let my skin get too thin
I'd like to pause
No matter what I pretend
Like some pilgrim
Who learns to transcend
Learns to live as if each step was the end

(Time stand still)
I'm not looking back
But I want to look around me now
(Time stand still)
See more of the people and the places that surround me now
Freeze this moment a little bit longer
Make each sensation a little bit stronger
Experience slips away
Experience slips away

I turn my face to the sun
Close my eyes
Let my defences down
All those wounds that I can't get unwound

I let my past go too fast
No time to pause
If I could slow it all down
Like some captain, whose ship runs aground
I can wait until the tide comes around

(Time stand still)
I'm not looking back
But I want to look around me now
(Time stand still)
See more of the people and the places that surround me now
Freeze this moment a little bit longer
Make each impression a little bit stronger
Freeze this motion a little bit longer
The innocence slips away
The innocence slips away...

Summer's going fast, nights growing colder
Children growing up, old friends growing older
Freeze this moment a little bit longer
Make each sensation a little bit stronger
Experience slips away
Experience slips away...
The innocence slips away

Big Day

January third is a big day. It is full of all kinds of importance.

Today is the tenth birthday of my muse, my heart walking around outside my body, my son. I am woefully unprepared for today. I am reeling with the thought that we have entered double digits. He is almost a tween! I so desperately wish I could have one more day with the five year old Adam, the seven year old Adam, the infant Adam. I want to relive the day he found his toes at five months old laying on his back on my bed, chubby arms and legs in the air. He grabbed his piggies and the biggest grin ever spread across his face. I am not ready for hormones and the possibility that he might not like me much very soon. I pray that we will stay close and that he will always lean into me.

Today is also the first weekday of the New Year. I am ready for the return to normalcy. I am ready to pounce on 2011, bring it into submission and make it my year. I know, it is just another day and we can make life changes on any day of the year, but doesn’t this time just feel pregnant with possibility? Who will I be this year? 2010 was a good year for me. I did not accomplish everything I had hoped, but I moved forward, I did better. Will 2011 be better? That is my intention.

I start every year with the intention to be better organized and more self-disciplined. I made progress in that area in 2010 by waving the white flag in the area of housekeeping and hiring a cleaning service. I hate to clean, I stink at it, my back won’t allow me to do it for long stretches at a time, and I have better things to do with my time. Hiring a service was one of the smartest moves I made last year. The release from guilt alone makes it worth the cost! This year is no different. I know my greatest challenges lie in the areas of self-discipline and organization. My intention for 2011 is to waste less time on stupid stuff and invest more time in worthy pursuits. Stupid stuff means facebook surfing and online games. Really! How many of us are sucked into that black hole on a daily basis?

Here is my list of worthwhile pursuits-

• time with God
• time with my kids
• creative time
• reading books
• rest
• exercise

How about you? What are your intentions for this new year?

With Apologies to William Carlos Williams

So much depends
upon

two small
children

agreeing to go
along

without
whining

Being Mommy

"To be Queen Elizabeth within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labors and holidays; to be Whiteley within a certain area, providing toys, boots, cakes and books; to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology and hygiene; I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it. How can it be a large career to tell other people's children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one's own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone and narrow to be everything to someone? No, a woman's function is laborious,but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute."

G.K. Chesterton from What's Wrong with the World.

Turning Around

It is Monday, and I am in my studio in town. I will be moving out of here after I get home from the beach week after next.
This is such a season of change in my life. My baby boy is in his last week of Kindergarten. I can hardly beleive it. He has grown and matured so much this year. He has learned so much too. He is reading well above grade level, and I am thrilled. I was always able to find escape in books, and I hope he will love them as much as I have.
On Satuday, we are off to Holden beach for a week. It will be my daughter's first time at the ocean. I can't wait to see how she likes it. My parents will be there with me, which I am thrilled about. They are my best friends, and there is noone else I would rather spend time with. We will spend our days walking the beach and playing in the sand, looking for critters and treasure. Holden Beach is one of those quiet places where there aren't millions of people. It is a very restful and restorative place for me.
The piece above is in the journal I started at Art and Soul. I have been trying to give myself time and permission to journal. It helps me keep my peace. I just write and layer over it. It is almost like doing artist pages for me.
Not much else to share. I am in a good space, and hope you are too!

Joy!

I am feeling superdeedooper about my decision to move my studio home. I have been working at home for the last few days getting the house cleaned and straightened for the onset of summer. Adam finishes up kindergarten at the end of next week, and we leave for the beach the following day. I want to have things in order so when we get back, I can move my studio home, and feel organized and not overwhelmed. So far, so good.
This summer promises to be a great one. It is our first summer with Messa, and I can't wait to take her to the beach, the zoo, the waterpark, and swimming in our backyard at "Cabo san Redneck." She and Adam will also be going to a 1/2 day camp a few weeks this summer, leaving mommy at home to be creative. Yay!
Things a bright ahead! What are you planning for your summer?