Freeze This Moment a Little Bit Longer

I got to spend the day with my son, Adam, today.  It was just the two of us.  Once upon a time there was a little boy who chattered constantly to me.  He smiled at all of my jokes.  He didn't care where we went as long as we were together.  I was his world.  

I have always had a pretty good grasp on the reality that my purpose as a mom is to prepare him to stand on his own.  That mandate starts at conception.  We feed and nurture and lead and teach and discipline with the goal of seeing them stand tall on their own and thrive.

He is eleven now, going on twenty-seven it sometimes seems.  The separating is beginning in earnest.  I am not his whole world.  I am still his mommy.  He still hugs and kisses me in front of his friends.  I have made him promise he always will.  We'll see.

I see the Holy Spirit at work in and through him.  It takes my breath away.  I bought him mens sized sneakers the other day and it emptied my wallet.  What a season of transition for both of us.  I am not sure it is bearable.

Lord, hold on to him when he breaks free from my grip.

"Time Stand Still" 

(Rush) 

I turn my back to the wind
To catch my breath
Before I start off again.
Driven on without a moment to spend
To pass an evening with a drink and a friend

I let my skin get too thin
I'd like to pause
No matter what I pretend
Like some pilgrim
Who learns to transcend
Learns to live as if each step was the end

(Time stand still)
I'm not looking back
But I want to look around me now
(Time stand still)
See more of the people and the places that surround me now
Freeze this moment a little bit longer
Make each sensation a little bit stronger
Experience slips away
Experience slips away

I turn my face to the sun
Close my eyes
Let my defences down
All those wounds that I can't get unwound

I let my past go too fast
No time to pause
If I could slow it all down
Like some captain, whose ship runs aground
I can wait until the tide comes around

(Time stand still)
I'm not looking back
But I want to look around me now
(Time stand still)
See more of the people and the places that surround me now
Freeze this moment a little bit longer
Make each impression a little bit stronger
Freeze this motion a little bit longer
The innocence slips away
The innocence slips away...

Summer's going fast, nights growing colder
Children growing up, old friends growing older
Freeze this moment a little bit longer
Make each sensation a little bit stronger
Experience slips away
Experience slips away...
The innocence slips away

Somebody Else's Dream

There are days when I wish I had a crystal ball to look into my future and show me where my life is leading. Even better, I wish that I had “The Map” of what my life is intended to be, the path I was created to take.  I wish I had very specific step-by-step instructions to follow so I could be absolutely certain that I stay true to the course that was charted for me by the One who made me.  I have a TomTom in my car that tells me when a turn is coming and how far away it is, and which direction I have to go, and exactly the moment I am supposed to turn. Sometimes though, I find that I am on a road that my navigational gadget has no idea exists.  The screen shows a blue arrow traveling across a broad expanse of green nothingness.  The device recalculates over and over again, telling me to turn here, turn there, trying to get me back on course.  That is the path I am on.  

I have been chasing the dream, and I have it just in my grasp.  I have my art in 5 NC galleries.  I am invited to exclusive art festivals, my work has recently been published.  I am poised to pounce on the dream and ride it out.  I can have it all if I just grab it and work it.  I hesitate.  I take a closer look.  Slowly, a notion creeps up on me.  This is unfamiliar.  This place, these possibilities that are surrounding me.  I think I missed a turn. I am in unfamiliar territory, and I know exactly how I got here.  I haven’t been listening.  A small, quiet voice has been whispering to me that this thing I am chasing, this vision, this shining prize, is not meant for me.  I am in the wrong dream.  This is for someone else.  My path wandered off in another direction a long way back.  It is a wide path.  It is wide enough for four to walk shoulder to shoulder.  I can find it again if I double back.  I am going to have to drop some things that I have picked up along the way that will hinder my progress back.  My traveling companions are waiting there for me to continue our adventure together.

Home

This is home.

This is where I hunker down with my family and love them until forever.

This is a place of peace and chaos,

and joy, always joy.

This is where I create, dream, cry, sing, dance and rest.

It is not perfectly clean and neat. It doesn't house all the latest gadgets and nicest furnishings.

I like it that way.

Moving

I am sitting amongst piles and boxes, surrounded by mixed emotion. We have lived here for about four years. Adam was two when we moved here. Messa came home to this place. But now we are leaving. The last time I did this, I was glad to move on. This place has been different. But, it is not where we need to be right now. So, we are moving in to town.


Town means a small rental house on a small lot with neighbors closer than I care for. It also means friends for my children to play with, and short drives to their interests and activities. No wild turkey or coyote will cross my yard, but I can get to the downtown historic district for a cup of coffee at Flynnes and first rate people watching in three minutes. Matt will be able to come home for lunch, and in the evenings he will be home at 5:35, not 6:15. There is a little park right up the road that the kids and I can walk to. I can take the dog, and give her the exercise she needs (me too!) My studio space is in the sun porch on the back of the house. I have lot's of natural light, and I will be able to work late into the evening without feeling isolated like I do in my current studio, which is in a seperate building.
So, we sacrifice. We compromise. We know that in a very short time, the kids will be grown and on their own and we can find a spread somewhere that offers the peace and beauty we have loved here.
Now, don't get me started on the whole packing thing....

Turning Around

It is Monday, and I am in my studio in town. I will be moving out of here after I get home from the beach week after next.
This is such a season of change in my life. My baby boy is in his last week of Kindergarten. I can hardly beleive it. He has grown and matured so much this year. He has learned so much too. He is reading well above grade level, and I am thrilled. I was always able to find escape in books, and I hope he will love them as much as I have.
On Satuday, we are off to Holden beach for a week. It will be my daughter's first time at the ocean. I can't wait to see how she likes it. My parents will be there with me, which I am thrilled about. They are my best friends, and there is noone else I would rather spend time with. We will spend our days walking the beach and playing in the sand, looking for critters and treasure. Holden Beach is one of those quiet places where there aren't millions of people. It is a very restful and restorative place for me.
The piece above is in the journal I started at Art and Soul. I have been trying to give myself time and permission to journal. It helps me keep my peace. I just write and layer over it. It is almost like doing artist pages for me.
Not much else to share. I am in a good space, and hope you are too!

Joy!

I am feeling superdeedooper about my decision to move my studio home. I have been working at home for the last few days getting the house cleaned and straightened for the onset of summer. Adam finishes up kindergarten at the end of next week, and we leave for the beach the following day. I want to have things in order so when we get back, I can move my studio home, and feel organized and not overwhelmed. So far, so good.
This summer promises to be a great one. It is our first summer with Messa, and I can't wait to take her to the beach, the zoo, the waterpark, and swimming in our backyard at "Cabo san Redneck." She and Adam will also be going to a 1/2 day camp a few weeks this summer, leaving mommy at home to be creative. Yay!
Things a bright ahead! What are you planning for your summer?